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A couple of weeks ago, we took what is becoming our annual summer trip to the beach, when J takes a whole week off of work, we rent a house with friends, and we get to spend time as a family just having fun. Too often, I feel twinges of guilt as A and I are out together on normal weekdays enjoying some kind of kid-friendly adventure while my poor husband is stuck behind a desk.
Other SAHM friends have reminded me that the price I pay to stay at home is just as steep as my husband—nighttime feedings, rigid nap schedules, tantrum-inducing errands—and that I shouldn’t feel “guilt,” per say, but perhaps contentment and gratitude that I have the ability to be with my daughter and the perspective to realize how lucky I feel. It was during our beach week that I realized just how much my husband is missing on a daily basis—the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly.
Our week was going beautifully, and I relished the opportunity to watch my daughter bond with her father as he splashed her in the cool ocean water, they built castles with perfectly moist sand, and she nibbled on his sandwich each day during lunch. J treasured this time with his girl, and I could see him concocting ways to spoil her while we enjoyed our week away from reality, especially with nightly ice cream cones and her first carnival rides. And why shouldn’t their time together be like this? Fun.
We were all loving the time together, but I know my child well enough to know that she (and every child) can only take so many days of excitement, being off her precious routine, before it backfires. That day came for us on our last day of vacation, when A decided to make a game of disobeying every rule I have. And then, after she had already worn me down by testing me all morning, she thought it would be hysterical to make a game of running toward an open staircase with me chasing her, as I prayed that I would make it before she (or we) went tumbling down.
I caught her in time, but this was when I lost it. I did what I always do to punish her and tried (this time unsuccessfully) to put her in timeout. My husband looked on as I berated her for not listening and endangering both of us. My blood was boiling (I’ve never been more upset with A), and I kind of resented the fact that I was the only one who was madder than hell, and he could be so calm. Why wasn’t he trying to step in to punish A after what she had pulled that morning?
As I gave myself time to cool off, I kept thinking of the age-old threat: “Just wait until your father gets home”? Why was I turning out to be the disciplinarian—the “bad cop”? I couldn’t help but pose this question to my husband, who stated adamantly to all the parents in our company that he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He doesn’t want to step in and save me the trouble of disciplining A, when I can clearly do it myself, and it wasn’t his battle in the first place. He said, “I get so little time with her, I don’t want it to be clouded by having to be the disciplinarian all the time.”
J wants to be the “fun parent.” I guess I understand his logic, but this just wasn’t the way I saw things going. Given the fact that mothers traditionally spend more time with children, “Should dads get to be more fun?” Is it fair that fathers have been thrust into the role of disciplinarian? With each new stage of parenting, we have to keep redefining our roles, so I’m interested to hear what balance you’ve created in your own marriage. Please share…
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This is funny as we have had the same discussion as to who is going to be the disciplinarian in our home when we have kids. My husband maintains the same rationale, and I do have to say I see his point, now that I stay home with our baby. Since we get all day to play and establish structure, the time he gets with her before bedtime should be fun. For now that is what we believe and what works for us, but it may change as kids get older and may require more discipline. I sure don’t want to be known as the “bad guy” either!
Thanks for weighing in, Michelle! You make a great point, that if moms stay at home with their children, we are the ones providing the regular “structure” that’s a necessity for proper discipline. It’s kind of like how, as a teacher, your students will behave for you, because you’ve created a rapport with them, but they may not necessarily be as good for a substitute.
It does kind of make sense that one parent would take the lead on discipline, for consistency, and maybe it should be SAHMs.
I have given thought to this same issue in our house as well. My husband does step in and help with the discipline. I remember when my son was tiny and I was having so much trouble with breastfeeding, and then when he got older I had trouble getting his naps under constrol. My husband told me then, “I will never let him take you for granted or disrespect you. I want him to know just how much you struggled for him.” And he has.
I appreciate that my husband follows my lead in using the different discipline methods (i.e. timeout, reward chart, taking toys away, or sometimes even spanking). The only thing that I have to remind him of is that if he is the one that puts him on time out, or determines a need for discipline, it is he who should follow through with it; he can’t put him on time out and then ask me to take him off.
However, if you asked him to make a comment about discipline around here, he would probably say that I let things get me too rowled up. And to this I say, when I am responsible for disciplining the kids most of the time and I see the same behavior problems over and over again, yeah, I do get rowled up. I think it’s normal and I don’t beat myself up over it.
But I understand your husband’s point of view. Discipline is one of those things that takes so much effort and continuity. It would be hard to want to jump into the middle of it – particularly if he feels you’re doing such a good job!
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I’m so, so impressed that your husband was observant of your struggles with your son when he was younger and has vowed to never let him take you for granted! That’s just beautiful!!
I, too, am lucky that my husband has, thus far, gone along with my discipline strategies. And we’ve also had that discussion about the need for him to discipline A himself if she misbehaves on his watch. I guess part of our problem is that he has a greater tolerance for some of her mischief than I do
You posed such a great question here! I’m not really even sure about how these roles are playing out in our family, because like you said, it requires constant adjustment. Also, you sound very understanding of your husband’s perspective, but I imagine it must be hard to feel like you have to be the main bad cop. (I’ve been there plenty, too!) Good luck figuring your balance as couple! (Wish me luck too, because like I said, we definitely don’t have it down yet!
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Since my husband travels so much for work, I am the disciplinarian 99% of the time. However, this week we were on vacation and for the first time in a long time, we were full-time co-parents. It was an interesting experience because sometimes we disagree about what is a punishable offense and how to handle it. For example, tonight DH got upset because our toddler was reaching into my husband’s water glass and playing with the ice, which he had left on the coffee table. I felt this was more of an error on my husband’s part and that it was foolish to get angry at our son. Later, our son was begging for food from our plates after he had finished his own dinner, and my husband indulged him, whereas I am strict about when you are done with your meal (he eats the same things we do, so it’s not like there is some tantalizing morsel on our plates) you don’t get any more. I do think it’s a process, and we’ll figure out the rules of the household that we’ll all live by as circumstances arise.
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Ha! Punishable offenses could be a whole separate post! That’s something my husband and I spend a lot of time talking about, and I see a lot of other couples “going there,” too. It’s definitely all a process! In a way, it would be easier to just have one parent who made all the decisions regarding discipline, wouldn’t it?