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Two years ago, I became a mother. In the beginning, I felt a connection with anyone who had a child. We’d talk about midnight feedings, baby bouncers and adorable infant clothes. We were all dealing with the same issues, so I found friends easily. It was just so easy to talk to anyone who had a baby too. She just “got it.”
But then, my son got older, and started running, playing, talking and pushing boundaries. And all of a sudden, it wasn’t so easy to talk to other moms. Even friends I’d had for years. Maybe we parented completely differently, maybe she disagreed with a philosophy I had or I disagreed with her, and all of a sudden, we didn’t have much to talk about, beyond the polite, “how is he doing?” conversation. We just had nothing to discuss.
What I did find was that I connected even more with old and new friends who had similar parenting styles. Even if our children had entirely different personalities, or even were different ages, we bonded over our shared philosophies. But some of those friends who I used to be close with, who I used to share everything with, slowly fell away, because we approached parenting so differently. At first, I felt really sad. I felt that we should stay friends, especially because with some of these women, I’d shared those first few months of motherhood; the time full of uncertainty and exhaustion. But soon, I realized that just having that in common wasn’t enough. I disagreed with some things my friends did, and I couldn’t pretend to validate their choices when I truly couldn’t understand them. And I’m sure they felt the same way about choices I made. But I think there’s this stereotype that all mothers are friends (especially all stay at home moms), because we all have the “same” life, so we get each other. It’s totally not true. Just like you have to be compatible with friends in other aspects of life to enjoy each other, it’s the same with other moms. And it’s okay. Just because another women has a child doesn’t mean we’re “meant” to be friends.
Recently, I finally started to accept this. And, slowly, some of these people have fallen out of my life. Some, of course, have not. In fact, I have some friends who I’ve known for over a decade, and the friendship still stays strong, no matter what comes our way. But with others, I’ve learned that the friendships evolve and change, and sometimes it means they have to fade away, because when it comes to our children, just being a parent isn’t enough.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
One of your best yet! I, too, had that experience. Even if I tried to understand parenting styles of friends, I became intolerant of their (often) indifference to their children’s needs – especially when it meant they as moms had to make sacrifices in their lives .
Thanks. I notice that as my son gets older, there are behaviors that I don’t want him to imitate. So, if we play with children who are allowed to exhibit those behaviors, I don’t make a second play date!
Interesting. Most of my friends don’t have kids yet, so it’s hard to know what my experience will be when it comes to this. I know that out of my friends who do have children, we definitely approach some things differently, but I think our overall values are similar enough that the little things aren’t important. Also, each child is so different that I think we all adapt our parenting styles to our child’s personality. That being said, I think that if I had friends with vastly different parenting philosophies and values, I would have a hard time maintaining the closeness of the friendship because as much as we talk all the time about how we’re not supposed to judge other parents, we all do it! Great post.
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