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My husband and I have been complaining for weeks (okay, maybe more like months or years) that we have no time for ourselves. I don’t mean time for us individually, which is a whole separate problem that I’ve documented fairly extensively; I mean time together, as a couple.
Part of the reason we’ve been thinking about this more recently is that we’re celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary today. Our anniversaries aren’t milestones that have received a whole lot of attention. We usually mark the day with a special dinner date and a few drinks—no diamond jewelry or trips to the Bahamas (not that I would mind these things…).
But this year, as our anniversary approached, we hardly had a chance to give it a thought. Somewhere in the middle of conversations about home repairs, potty training, furniture deliveries, out-of-town guests, our own travel, trips to the doctor, and birthday-party planning, we made several comments to the effect of, “Oh my gosh, it’s almost our anniversary. Are we doing anything?” But the conversation usually fizzled out right there as we got swept up in the realities of day-to-day life.
For a split second, we were really on the ball and arranged for someone to stay with our daughter tonight, so we could sneak away to dinner or a movie for a few hours…but that plan fell through. Plan B? Yeah, right. We hardly came up with a Plan A!
So here’s the problem with our relationship, and the relationships of all the other couples who’ll speak candidly about life after children: we have so little time for each other.
And in my case, I sometimes feel that I have so little of myself left to give. Being a SAHM means that I have the pleasure of caring for our beautiful daughter all day, but this also means that once our little angel is finally asleep, I’m all used up.
The only comfort is that I know I’m not alone in feeling this sense of neglect for my marriage, especially since I occasionally come across articles like “4 Ways to Rev Up Your Post-Baby Sex Life,” written by a sexuality counselor and New York Times Best-Selling Author Ian Kerner (read: this guy’s supposed to know what he’s talking about).
But why do I feel so irritated when I read his suggestions for “revving up” our relationship? Here they are:
- Make sure you use your bedroom exclusively for sleep and sex
- Maintain physical touch
- Make time for date nights
- Maintain intimacy even if you don’t really have the time or the energy
Seriously? These are the sex expert and best-selling author’s best tips??? Isn’t this advice so, so obvious? Of course these are the keys to a healthy relationship, with or without kids, but what we’re really missing is time and energy.
I remember those glorious, early days of our relationship, when I’d spend an hour or two getting ready for our date night, picking out the perfect outfit, doing my hair, matching my purse and shoes, painting my finger nails, applying bright red lipstick in the five-step process you sometimes see in fashion magazines (Exhibit A on right)… J, my boyfriend (now husband), would show up with a big bouquet, smelling ridiculously good, and spend the night holding my hand, opening doors, and generally fawning over a younger, more energetic me. How couldn’t we enjoy our time together under these circumstances??
But what about our relationship without all those niceties? Where does that leave us? I’ll tell you where: at our seventh anniversary without a plan to celebrate the years we’ve spent together.
I’m not especially happy about this, and as I write this post, it occurs to me that if I put a fraction as much effort into planning our anniversary as I did into planning our daughter’s birthday party, we’d have a very happy celebration. Maybe I should spend more time working on being a B+ wife and less time worrying about being an A++ mom. I still have a few hours to plan something spectacular…better get to work!
Do you ever feel like you’ve put your relationship on the back-burner (kids or not)?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
First of all HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! Please remember that celebrating doesn’t always mean big planning or a big night out. Maybe it’s just a simple matter of holding each other before bed and saying “I love you” and telling each other reasons why you love each other.
I must say that I feel exhausted after reading your post- the days sound extremely busy and it makes me sad to hear your frustrations about not being able to spend the time with your husband that you want to. I respect what devoted parents such as yourself go through but I know I couldn’t do it.
I want to throw out a question that your post prompted me to think about. You’re not the first person who I know who has the same issues with balancing family/relationships. SO many women I know who are either working moms outside or SAHMs feel like they barely ever see or interact with their husbands on a relationship level. With that being said….How would you advise young women who are looking for a husband who know they want kids? Rather than seek out the man of their dreams as a husband…are they better off in the long run seeking out the man of their dreams for the future father of their child and future partner in making a household work? Would more marriages be happier this way if that’s the expectation if children are expected to take up a lot of time? It’s just kind of interesting when you think about how we often select mates based upon relationship criteria that often goes out the window when you barely see each other when work/family takes up so much time. Just some random thoughts I was thinking about and I’m curious about your take on it
First, thanks for the anniversary wishes! I know, deep down, that the day doesn’t have to include anything too fancy, but we definitely need to do something to make today distinct–special.
You raise SUCH interesting points!!! I think it would make perfect sense to advise young ladies to look for a long-term mate who will be a dependable spouse, earner, and parent. Of course, we both know that’s NOT what young women are actually looking for
Plus, I think I chose really wisely in this way, partly by dumb luck: my husband was as great long-term pick. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean we’re any better at finding a balance between parenting/household responsibilities and making time for us.
Plus, the element that’s lacking in most relationships at our stage is that “spark” you feel when you’re first together (whether your mate is a wonderful or terrible long-term pick). So if you chose a mate because of that awesome chemistry, that can’t hurt either, right??
It’s true!! You need the whole package to make it work, and you certainly picked a great package!!
Aw, thanks!!!
I don’t really have any comment at this point except to say, Happy Anniversary! I hope you made it an enjoyable one after all, even if it only involved something small but special.
Thanks, Meg! The night turned out much better than expected!
Happy anniversary, Evanthia! You brought up great points about how lucky you are to have a great husband who is also a great father. The debate about the right balance between romantic spouse – good father in a partner was discussed at length in this Atlantic article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/. Since having our son I do agree that having a spouse who is also a good, dependable father is really important. But sometimes life with a newborn is really hard. And it really sucks. And you are both sleep deprived and not thinking with your most logical brain. What made that time worth it was knowing that we loved each other and that romantic love would see us through the rough spots. Ms. Gottlieb talks up the value of settling for a man who is a good father, even if he’s not the perfect husband: “In practice, my married friends with kids don’t spend that much time with their husbands anyway (between work and child care), and in many cases, their biggest complaint seems to be that they never see each other. So if you rarely see your husband—but he’s a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own—how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?” The reason I can get through this time, when my husband travels during the week and I don’t see him enough, is not his money. it’s that again, I know that our strong romantic attachment is the base on which everything else rests. I am a good mom because I love my husband, and I know it’s the same reason my husband is a great dad.
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Hadyn, I can’t WAIT to read this article in its entirety! It sounds fascinating, frank, and extremely relevant to our conversation. I definitely see Gottlieb’s point about finding a decent, dependable father figure for your children, rather than an amazing lover. But, like you, that history of deep affection is part of what connects me to my husband. And even when the amazing romanticism wanes, I still remember it and appreciate those days, hoping there are more to come once there aren’t babies in the house
Thanks for your contribution to this discussion!!
PS – I’m curious, how many years have you been married, if you don’t mind me asking?
Of course- we’ve been married for 5 years. As far as whether the balance is easier for working moms or stay-at-home moms, I think it depends on the woman, and it depends on the marriage too. I think both scenarios are tough and both have their upsides and downsides, but equality in household duties was really important to me, and my patience at the SAHM life was wearing thin by the time I went back to work. Maybe having a husband who travels all the time is a good way to eliminate him from the balance equation, and keeps the balance only between work and my child, ha ha!
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I commend you, Evanthia, on your candid discussion of the struggles women face in finding that healthy balance of being both a devoted mother and wife. I think that most women would agree they feel guilty, at times, for not having more left to give their husbands. I do wonder though, if SAHMs feel it more since we give everything we have to a job that does not end? Do working moms have more of a balance since the home responsibilities are more shared? Or do they struggle with it more since they are divided among an outside job, time with their child, and then time separately with their husband? I think we all struggle with balance in life, as you have written about before. I think part of what makes life so special as we move along is that we change what our priorities and focuses are as we grow together as a couple. We find joy and happiness (and a new sense of “spark”) in watching this child we created together grow into a walking talking human being!
Michelle, my husband and I had the same discussion last night, about whether it might be easier or harder for moms who work outside the home to find this balance. I’m stumped!
I couldn’t agree more that part of what binds you as a couple is building your family and sticking together through thick and thin to make your relationship and the family dynamic work! It’s not easy, and it’s not always pretty, but there’s something special about the experience that I would NEVER give up
Yes, I am guilty of not spending enough time and energy on my relationship as I should! Yet, it is so important to keep that alive! After all, the reason I had kids with my husband was to create a family and that would unite us in a whole other way. Couples do need time alone, and these day’s we really don’t get it! We seem to always bring our little one with us out for dinner or where ever we go. After baby #4 is here and we get him into a routine, we are going to have to set time aside to reconnect.
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Wow, baby #4?! Now I just feel whiny! If I feel like I don’t have enough time with my husband, and we’ve just got this one child, you must feel really overwhelmed from time to time.
I’d like to think that as our family grows, I’ll get better at balancing it all. Have you found this to be the case, Tania??
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